Break Room Spirits
by Partly
Summary: It's a rough night for the "A Christmas Carol" spirits when they visit some of the characters from the USA Network.


I blame Dickens. We all do. And rightfully so. "A Christmas Carol" was supposed to _help_ us with our jobs, not make them harder. It's enough to drive even the most experienced spirit to drink.

Of course, some years are worse than others.

"I tell you, I'm going to quit this gig and start haunting people. It's got to be easier," Jack, one of the current 'Christmas Present' spirits, pushed his way into the break room, his usually dapper outfit torn and tattered. He crossed to the corner and flopped down in the easy chair. "I clocked out early. Future can take his chances with her."

"That bad?" I asked.

Jack stood and pulled off his once beautiful red cloak. "She may have been sleeping but she was still barmed/b." He held up the clothing so that I could clearly see the four holes that punctured it.

"She shot you _four times_?" I struggled to remember whom Jack had been assigned to. _Mary Shannon, Federal Marshal_. It was a routine visit to remind her about needing to focus on recognizing the people in her life who loved her.

"She bhit/b four times. She emptied her whole clip at me. I avoided most of them. Give me some credit." Jack collapsed back into the chair. "Although I have to admit that, even if she couldn't actually hurt me, being able to shoot me seemed to make her more willing to listen to what I had to say."

I sighed. "Well, that counts for something, right?"

I decided to take Jack's dark look as agreement and before he could say anything more Eliza (currently playing 'Christmas Past' in someone's life) walked in. Instead of her usual outfit she was wearing a very stylish suit coat and fedora and looking completely bewildered.

"Eliza? Is everything ok?" I asked.

"I don't know," she said.

"Why are you wearing that ridiculous hat?" Jack asked.

She put a protective hand on the object in question. "It's not ridiculous, it's _stylish_. Neal said so."

"Neal?" I prompted.

"My assignment," she said. "Neal Caffrey. He..." she faded off.

"He what?" I asked.

"He was really nice and he really liked my outfit. So, as we traveled through his life – which was rather depressing, thank you – he kept asking if we could trade hats and coats. I didn't see any harm in it."

I groaned. "You didn't see any harm in accepting a common hat and coat in exchange for your hat and cloak – your _magical_ hat and cloak."

"But it's _Armani_," she protested. Then she looked at me, beseechingly. "He smiled a lot. He said I was pretty and I got confused."

I was seriously beginning to dislike our 'No Alcohol in the Break Room' policy. I could really use a drink. "Don't worry, Eliza. I'm sure that Christmas Present will sort it out. Who did we send?"

"Stephen," Eliza said. "I met him on the way here."

"Probably just needs a man's touch, women are such a easy mark to a good looking guy." Jack's low comment carried across the room. Eliza blushed.

"Knock that off, Jack," I ordered. "Your good looks didn't stop a woman from putting four holes in you."

Jack glared at me, but didn't disagree. Eliza, not taking off the hat or the suit coat, wandered over to stare out the window. I was wondering what else could go wrong when Brian and Haley walked in.

"I don't care what you say, I'm not going to do it!" Brian slammed the door. "I'm not and you can't make me!" That last bit was directed at me.

I tried to place them with their assignment. They were both assigned to Shawn Spencer, as Christmas Present and Future, respectively. It bode badly that both were here. "What is it you won't do, exactly?"

"_Sing._"

"He wants you to sing?"

"Not only sing. Dance, too."

"I'm not doing what he wants, either." Haley added.

I focused on Brian for the moment. "Your assignment wanted you to sing and dance?"

"Yes! And he insisted that he shouldn't play the part of Scrooge. No, that would have to go to some guy named 'Lassie'. And I was supposed to bring his partner into the whole setup so that he could be Bob Cratchet and, I quote, 'the Kermit the Frog version because he was clearly the best Cratchet of all'." Brian stalked across the room and threw himself on the sofa. "The worst part was he kept quoting every single 'Christmas Carol' movie ever made."

"You know what he wanted me to do?" Haley said. "He said he knew that I wasn't going to show him the only future, so he wanted me to show him all the ipossible/i futures. I'm a spirit and a spirit is clearly fantasy. What he wants is science fiction. Not my department."

I sighed. "Fine. We'll do something else with this guy. I'll kick his name back upstairs and they can come up with a different plan. Maybe they can work out an 'It's a Wonderful Life' scenario."

The mood in the room was clearly not festive. No one was even eating the cookies. I went to the supply closet and pulled out the boxes of Bourbon Cherries I'd stashed there earlier.

The first box was emptied when Clarice (aka Christmas Future) walked in. She held a wrapped box. Normally, I'd look at a Christmas gift as a good thing, but something about the way Clarice held it made me nervous.

"You okay, Clarice?"

"My assignment gave me a gift," she said. "Said I'd get a bang out of it."

A wave of my hand made the wrapping and box see-through. There were wires and something labeled 'C4'. "Who was your assignment?"

"Fiona Glennanne."

"That's a bomb, you know," Haley said.

Another wave of my hand sent the 'gift' into oblivion. Bourbon cherries weren't going to cut it. I headed back to the closet to pull out the actual bottle of bourbon.


End file.
